So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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