I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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