it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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