well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
