Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
