I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
