I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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