I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
