He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
