i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
