just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
