Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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