I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize