i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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