I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
