Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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