Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
