i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize