I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize