So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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