I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
