Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just had sex on a roof
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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