My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
