PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
