I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
