She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
