someone threw a dead crab at me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
