life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just found puke in my bra..
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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