so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
