Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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