a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
its liver damage thursday
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
