Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
