I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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