I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
