he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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