my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
