I wannas sexs uuuuu
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
