my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She just used a chaser for red wine.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
