Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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