you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
