oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I enjoy the company of your penis
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize