dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
