glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
