Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
