i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
