I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Actions speak louder than pants.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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