i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
