i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Enjoy the penises
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
