So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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