happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
