Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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