when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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