I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
