i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
