I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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