apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
