So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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