my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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