I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
